Deck the Halls (or Someone Else)

He's Tougher in Person
Being Jewish eliminates the option of Christmas. Not believing in Jesus is apparently connected to the holiday. Therefore, I found myself doing nothing come Christmas time. I was not decking the halls, nor decorating my tree. Instead, I am left to my own devices and I watch movies I have rented since all that is on the television is a Christmas special. My Christmas Eve is spent on the couch; at least I can have milk and cookies. Those Christians at least got that part right.

It must have been around two o'clock in the morning when I woke with a start. I had fallen asleep while watching Die Hard 3 and the TV screen was now blue telling me that there was no disc in the player. Rubbing my eyes I froze, as I heard footsteps from above. Someone was on the roof. Smiling to myself, I realized that it was ridiculous, anyway I had no chimney.

Getting up from the couch I turned around and found myself face to face with a large man with a long white beard. "Eliyahu?"

"Santa!" The man yelled as he pulled out an IPhone from his pocket.

"What are you doing?" I asked, disturbed and confused.

"Checking my list," said Santa.

"On an IPhone?"

"Hey, I was nice this year, Santa also deserves a present every once in awhile!"

"How can you be Santa? You don't exist!"



"Of course I exist, hey, you have not been nice this year. You are getting coal!" Santa looked around, "Wait a minute, no stockings?"

"Yeah, I'm Jewish."

"Damn it! You guys need to sign up or something, I cannot waste my time. Do you have any idea how much work goes into this list? Not to mention the amount of frightened Jews who beat me to death each year because they think I am a burglar?" Santa turned around and started to leave, but stopped and breathed in deeply. "Do I smell milk and cookies?"

"That's a great nose, are you sure that your not Jewish?" I asked as I picked up the last cookie and brought it to my mouth.

"Stop!" Yelled Santa, I froze. "Give me the cookie."

"No way, this is my last cookie, they were amazing."

"Give me the cookie, and I'll give you a present," he said as he edged forward and pulled a dancing monkey toy from his bag.

"I'll give it to you, if you give me your IPhone."

"I'll give you an IPod," answered Santa as he edged forward.

"Nah, thanks, I think I'll stick with my cookie," I said as I brought the cookie to my mouth.

"Nooo!" yelled Santa as he tackled me.

Santa rolled off of me and lunged for the cookie. I knelt for a minute trying to catch my breath. Santa was on his knees picking up the cookie when I reached him. "That's mine!" I yelled as I planted my fist in his cheek.

The cookie flew in the air as Santa tumbled over. "Naughty and Jewish," roared the jolly man as he pulled himself to his feet. "You don't get to be my age without learning a thing or too."

I ran towards him. It's one thing to diss my faith, but I draw the line at stealing my cookie. Let me just say, that for fat guy, Santa moves fast. I'm not quite sure how it happened but a moment later my head was spinning and I had been thrown halfway across the room. Santa was laughing as he approached. Blindly, I tried to find a weapon. I stopped, when my hand came to rest on the cookie. "Ha ha, who's laughing now?" I yelled as I got to my feet and ran out the door. "You'll never get my cookie!" I cried as I held the cookie high over my head.

I stopped dead in my tracks, my hand had been engulfed in something hot, wet, and sticky. Looking up, I found myself staring into the eyes of a large reindeer. His red nose glowed in the dark night.

"Ho ho ho," I heard, and turned to see Santa holding his stomach. "Looks like I laugh last." With that he jumped on to his slay and cracked his whip. Jumping out of the way I watched as the reindeer team picked up speed and began to fly.

Slowly, I trudged back into the house, flopped down on the couch and pulled Santa's IPhone from my pocket. Smiling to myself i turned it on and said, "let's see who else has been naughty this year."