Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Crazy Baby

"Thank god you're here," I managed as I opened the door. Stepping into my house was a man in a long black robe and a white collar around his neck. "This way father, I said, as I rushed him into the adjacent room. 

"When did it begin?" he asked calmly.

"About an hour ago, and it is steadily getting worse."

Before I continue, let me clarify a few things. I am Jewish, I do not believe that Jesus is my savior, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

The priest entered the bedroom. "You haven't tied her down?" he said angrily.

"Can I just hold her down?"

"Fine."

I climbed on to the bed and pinned my baby to the mattress. The priest opened his book and began to

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Supermarket: Trials and Tribulations

When I go shopping, I try to leave with as little bags as possible. It is important because when I get home I normally need to trudge to the elevator with my hands filled with bags and at times holding a baby. For this reason, I bring my backpack with me when I go to the supermarket; I prefer, to fill my backpack with the majority of my groceries and leave my hands free for other activities.

Unfortunately, the supermarket does not seem to accept or embrace my lifestyle choice. In fact, they throw as many obstacles in my way as they possibly can.

Today I neared the end of my thirty minute shopping trip, and arrived at the register with a cart and baby filled with food. As I approach the register I noticed the bag boy waiting for me at the opposite end. I smiled in his general direction and announced that I do not need his help but thank you. Smiling back he ignored me. Not wanting to press the issue I began unloading the food as fast as I could. Once more I nodded the bag boy off, this time I showed him my backpack implying that this is the bag I would like to fill. Once more he smiled and promptly ignored me. Frantically, I continued throwing my items on to the belt. There is an order to my chaos; I hope to get to the other end before the smaller items reach the bagboy.

My daughter, who was quiet until now begins pulling small candies from the shelf and throwing them into the cart and on to the belt. Quickly, I began to throw the candy back on the shelf, while trying to explain to her that we do not want this kind of candy anyway.