Deck the Halls (or Someone Else)

He's Tougher in Person
Being Jewish eliminates the option of Christmas. Not believing in Jesus is apparently connected to the holiday. Therefore, I found myself doing nothing come Christmas time. I was not decking the halls, nor decorating my tree. Instead, I am left to my own devices and I watch movies I have rented since all that is on the television is a Christmas special. My Christmas Eve is spent on the couch; at least I can have milk and cookies. Those Christians at least got that part right.

It must have been around two o'clock in the morning when I woke with a start. I had fallen asleep while watching Die Hard 3 and the TV screen was now blue telling me that there was no disc in the player. Rubbing my eyes I froze, as I heard footsteps from above. Someone was on the roof. Smiling to myself, I realized that it was ridiculous, anyway I had no chimney.

Getting up from the couch I turned around and found myself face to face with a large man with a long white beard. "Eliyahu?"

"Santa!" The man yelled as he pulled out an IPhone from his pocket.

"What are you doing?" I asked, disturbed and confused.

"Checking my list," said Santa.

"On an IPhone?"

"Hey, I was nice this year, Santa also deserves a present every once in awhile!"

"How can you be Santa? You don't exist!"

My Nobel Prize

The other day as I was sitting in my living room playing with my daughter the phone rang. My wife picked it up and slowly handed it to me.
"Who is it?" I asked
She shook her head and shrugged.
"Is this Shraga Weissmann?" asked the caller.
"Why yes it is," I answered hesitantly, "May I ask who's calling?"
"Of course, this is the Nobel Prize committee."
I laughed, "No, really."
"Yes, we are for real. We have read a manuscript of your unfinished novel, and would like to give you the Nobel Prize for Literature."
"No, seriously who is this?"
"I have to say that Tommy Greene is a personal hero of mine."
"Thank you, wait, how did you get a copy?"
"We are the Nobel Prize Committee!"

Baby + Jetlag = Insomnia

Groggily, I opened my eyes, the bright red numbers on my clock red 3:30 am. The numbers kept moving up and down. It took me a moment to realize that the clock was not moving but in fact, my bed was bouncing up and down.

Slowly, I turned my head and found myself face to face with the devilish smile of my eleven month old baby. She laughed as she bounced up and down on the bed while sitting. With a scream she bounced one last time as she flipped through the air and landed on the floor, and quickly scootched out the door. (Scootching is a way of moving forward while sitting, my baby does not crawl she scootches.)

I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and pulled myself out of bed. Flicking on the light I stepped out to the hall. Scanning the area I could not see my daughter. She must have made it o the living room already.

Calling out her name, I advanced to the living, and again could not find her. Her laughter echoed in the background as i returned to the bedroom to wake up my wife.
Shaking her slightly, I brought her out of her dreams. "I can't find the baby."
Groaning she rolled out of bed and walked to the living room.

Adventures at the Dead Sea

Apparently, it is harder to find time to write during vacation than when you have a job. For these reason my updates are more sporadic than usual.

Let me begin, my triumphant return by telling the tale of the Dead Sea.

My in-laws took the family to the Dead Sea for a few days before we departed for our trip to the States. For three days we stayed in a beautiful hotel and did absolutely nothing other than swim, eat, and sleep. In fact, during those three days not a single one of us made it to the actual Dead Sea.

One night as i lay asleep on the large and most comfortable bed, i was awoken by a bone chilling scream. Somehow my ten month old baby did not flinch, but I leaped out of bed ready for action. My wife, stood there, her face white and opposite her hovered, what was without a doubt, the largest moth i had ever seen.

Lunging forward I tackled the beast, who fell under my weight. Sitting on top of this man-eating moth I began to pummel it with my fists. the shriek that escaped it's lips startled me and gave him the second he needed to throw me off of him. the creature was surprisingly strong and i flew across the room and slammed into the far wall. Pieces of plaster fell after me on to the bed.

"Round two you ugly bastard," I whispered as i advanced. He swung at me with his wing and I was lifted into the air once more ans I smashed into another wall. I landed with a thump on to the hard carpeted floor. Scrambling backwards i searched for a weapon to use against my formidable opponent, but i found nothing but the balcony door.

The Match of a Lifetime

A good father teaches his daughter how to defend herself. The amount of rapists and murders that exist in this world is terrifying. For that reason I am teaching my daughter how to defend herself against any threat.

Even at the age of 9 months old my daughter seems to have a knack for self-defense. Her punches are tough and her kick has the strength of a grown mule. When she gets really girly she can scratch out eyes like a cougar.

At that age, it is difficult to find ways to keep her training up to par, especially since finding a fair partner is difficult. She is the top of her height and weight class, and other babies tend to hide in fear of her.

I was left with no choice but to pit her against our cat Milky. Milky is slightly smaller than my baby but still has had her share of wins. I placed them on the bed together, this being the only safe arena. Here my daughter tumbles with the freedom of a drunk astronaut.

The match started slowly since neither truly understood what was happening. After the initial staring contest ended my daughter flung herself forward and managed to grab the cat by the tail. Screaming the cat tried to run away, but my daughter had the cat in her death grip.

Do Not Wanna Go To Work Today!

Today I did not want to go to work and so I sent a quick e-mail to my bosses explaining my absence:

After every great victory there is a glorious feast with flowing libations, wenches, and endless delights to sooth the soul. These feasts often extend into the late evening hours mayhaps, even 'til the morn.

Thus, it happened at such a venue. I believe the mutton, which supple and succulent as it was, may have been tampered with. While many say it is naught but tainted meat, I knew better.

This was how I found myself traveling through the Valley of Eternal Midnight in the dawn hours.

Poison is not to be trifled with, and believing that this indeed was my ailment I made haste for the witch in Marshes of Death.

Throughout the journey my illness crept through my body and strong though I am my strength could not hold my dinner in it's place. Pain, which I prefer not to describe in front of women racked my body as I stumbled through the marshes.

My skin had now an ashen hew as I found myself collapse at the entrance to the witches hut. Delirious as I was I was careful not to stare at the hag the picked me up as if I were a child's plaything and brought in to her abode.

Stricken of my facilities i was forced to lay there helpless as the witch performed her magics on me. Horrified, I watched as she made her potions of unimaginable creatures and fluids all the while chanting to herself. My mind was a haze and so I could not tell if her murmurs were that of a spell or of her own madness.

Ten Tips For Being A Good Father

1. Always have Whiskey on you, just in case the baby starts teething

2. Always have a picture of your baby, in case you lose him/her you have a picture to make sure you found the right one, or at least one you can pass off to as your own to the wife

3. Always have another set of clothes, incase you need to pass off another baby as your own having him/her wear the same clothes is always a good idea

4. Always have a car seat in your car, if you get stopped for speeding explain to the officer that you left your baby somewhere by accident.


5. Always have extra food for the baby, not every day is mardi gras, if it is stock up on beads just in case

6. Always give your baby a cell phone, if you lose him/her you can call them and follow the ringtone

Every Parents Nightmare

This morning I endured the horror that I would wish only upon my greatest of enemies. My child, a beautiful 8 month old girl was playing on the carpet with her toys in the living room. I was in the adjacent room washing dishes from the night before. The kitchen is open and my child is in full view. Making faces at her as I do the dishes is part of our daily routine.

I looked away for a moment, it was only a moment, but when I turned my head she was gone. At first it did not even register, how could she be gone. She does not crawl yet and certainly could not go anywhere. Quickly, I ran to the bedroom, maybe the wife had taken her. As I opened the door I found my wife sound asleep as I had left her. It's best not to wake her, I had decided, I can find one baby who cannot really go anywhere.

Running back to the living room I began frantically searching for the baby. A nagging feeling kept tugging in my brain but I pushed it aside, I had to find my baby girl.

"Oryan?" I whispered as I searched for my baby while I tried not to wake my wife. If she found out that I lost the baby she would kill me. Pillows flew off the couch as rationality deserted me and I began to search for her everywhere. In my head I could hear her giggling. "Where are you Oryan?"

The balcony door was open and I exited there was no sign of her anywhere. My mind began to race. Is it possible that someone climbed on to the roof, climbed into our apartment and kidnapped her when i was not looking? Who would do that? Should I call the police?

I shook my head, that is ridiculous, "Oryan?" she has to be somewhere.Again i can hear her giggling in my head. Was that it my head, is she here somewhere and I missed her. "Oryan, where are you?" Behind me I heard a rustling. Spinning around I found my wife staring at me while still rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"What the hell did you do here?" she asked implying the now messy room.

Breathing deeply, I managed, "I can't find Oryan."

"You're kidding right?"

"No."

"She is right behind you!"

Slowly, I turned to find my girl sitting with the cutest smile on her face giggling, "Peekaboo!" she yelled.

She then disappeared again. "Where did she go," I yelled. "Oryan?"

My wife rolled her eyes, "I am going back to bed.

"But I can't find her again!"

"Peakaboo!"

Suit Up!

Israel is a different society than America and is defined in many different ways. One which way is the dress code in an office. Normally, there is none unless you work face to face with people on a daily basis.

Even in my office, people dress rather casually polo shirts, cargo pants, jeans, we can wear what we want.

At the moment I work in telecommunications, in other words i sell a phone line over the phone. For this reason i have been coming into work wearing a t-shirt for the past six months.

Lately my manager has been on my case about the fact that I do not dress properly. In the off chance that someone will actually walk into the office I should be prepared.

So, today I was

The Pancakes That Made me Late

This morning I was late for work.

My boss, all upset gave me the evil eye and inquired what my reason for this unusual tardiness.

After sitting with me for a few minutes and sharing my scrumptious pancakes with her.

I regaled her with the tale of this mornings adventure.

Last Thursday my friends and I defeated the great evil that hell itself spat back out. I may now reveal that it was Gilgamesh. The ancient Mesopotamian king who searched half his life finding a cure for mortality. Doing so this half god damned himself to eternal suffering neither entering heaven nor hell. After so long he was no longer a man and took form of the great beast that he was famed to have been. While the three of us managed to destroy him and damn his soul, my friend was badly wounded in the battle.

Unfortunately, others, having felt the rise of Gilgamesh too began to revolt, and much of my time as been spent making sure that none of these creatures manage to break through their realm into ours.

This morning, I was informed that the Gongazolians had began an uprising and we had been called to quell the revolt. As you well know, Gongazolians are human-like creatures save for the slight green hue of their skin, their one eye, and the fact that they are two to three feet tall. Despite their obvious handicaps Gongazolians are one of the most vicious forms of creature known to man. In addition, they are shrew little monsters and light on their feet. Due to their lack of peripheral vision it is easy to sneak up on one of these beasts, but if he lays his eye on you beware. They me seem small in stature but their blows are as powerful, if not more, than a grown Dakling.