Crazy Baby

"Thank god you're here," I managed as I opened the door. Stepping into my house was a man in a long black robe and a white collar around his neck. "This way father, I said, as I rushed him into the adjacent room. 

"When did it begin?" he asked calmly.

"About an hour ago, and it is steadily getting worse."

Before I continue, let me clarify a few things. I am Jewish, I do not believe that Jesus is my savior, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

The priest entered the bedroom. "You haven't tied her down?" he said angrily.

"Can I just hold her down?"

"Fine."

I climbed on to the bed and pinned my baby to the mattress. The priest opened his book and began to
sprinkle water as my daughter giggled in devilish delight.

My wife had left for the evening but when it was time to put my baby girl to bed, she seemed less than interested. At first I sang to her, then I rocked her, then I begged. Nothing seemed to coax her to even think of sleeping. When I was at my wits end she had begun to climb the walls. Now I am not a superstitious person, but I know my daughter, she had to be possessed. Left with no other choice, I called in the big guns.

The priest continued with his ritual, and my daughter, now restless having stayed still for about two minutes, began to squirm. "Hold her," yelled the priest, as he continued to yell in Latin.

My daughter started screaming as she shook her head from side to side vigorously, " no, no, no!"

"Out!" yelled the priest. 

For a moment the room was silent. "No!!!" yelled my daughter as she rolled out from under my grip. 

"Stop her!" yelled the priest as he lunged to grab her. 

"No!" yelled my daughter as she hit the priest in the face with her tiny fists. 

Caught by surprise, the priest tumbled backwards. Regaining his balance he stood and held his bible over his head, "The power of Christ compels you!" He yelled as my child reached the floor. 

My child stopped and stared at the priest, "Again!" she yelled. The priest stared in disbelief. "Again!" she yelled, this time even more demanding. Still in shock the priest did not move. My child seemingly aggravated pushed the priest, who apparently was suffering from some form of vertigo toppled over. Giggling in delight, she ran out the room, yelling "Da-da da-da. Ziggy-ziggy-ziggy!"

"She's speaking in tongues," managed the priest as he pulled himself up. "Let's get serious," the priest muttered as he whipped out a wooden cross and chased after my baby.

As we entered the living room we noticed the baby standing still and pointing. Slowly the priest approached her. "Cat, cat, cat," yelled my daughter. Looking up, he saw the cat leap through the air. He managed to cover his face as the cat knocked him down. Enraged, he scrambled for my daughter and held her down. "Cat!!!" she yelled. 

Holding the wooden cross high he began to yell in Latin. As he brought the cross down on my daughter's forehead the front door opened. 

"What the hell is going on here?!" My wife stood in the doorway with a look of utter shock on her face. 

My daughter wriggled out of the priest's grasp and stood up, "Ema!" she yelled. 

The priest sat there shaking his head in disbelief. "I have never seen such a strong demon."

"Do not talk that way about my daughter!" yelled my wife as she picked up my daughter and stormed off to the bed room.

I helped the priest to his feet. "Don't worry he said, I know a man who can help you." 

Not two minutes had passed when my wife returned. "Now," she began "you had better have a good explanation for this."

"Well she would not go to..."I trailed off."Where is she?"

"Sleeping."

"Wait, how did you...?"

"She was really tired," she said somewhat exasperated. "Now explain to me why there is a priest in my house."