Exorcism

"Thank god you're here," I managed as I opened the front door. Outside stood a tall man with a long black robe that matched the color of his hair. The white collar around his neck broke the black that covered the rest of his body. He nodded as he entered the house."This way father,” I said  as I rushed him into the adjacent room. Unlike the entrance to my house, this room was a light purple, but the dim light made it look much darker. Flickering, the light had an almost chilling effect, making this slightly scarier than it needed to be. As I reached for the light, the priest grabbed my hand and shook his head.

"When did it begin?" he asked calmly.

"About an hour ago, and it is steadily getting worse." I searched the room desperately but could not find what I was looking for.Before I continue, let me clarify a few things. I am Jewish, I do not believe that Jesus is my savior, or that he died for my sins. There is a part of me that is doubtful that he even ever existed, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

The priest looked around the bedroom. "You haven't tied her down?" he said angrily. I could hear the giggling but could not yet find the source. Suddenly, I was hit by a speeding child who slammed into my legs almost toppling me over. My hand shot out and I managed to grab her hand before she slipped away again. She squirmed but I held on tight.

"Can I just hold her down?"

"Fine, but hold on tight. How is your faith?”

“My faith is fine,” I answered truthfully. Judaism is not big into this sort of thing, not like Christianity is, and I could use the help.

I climbed onto the bed and pinned my baby to the mattress. The priest opened his book and began to sprinkle water as my daughter giggled in devilish delight.

My wife had left for the evening but when it was time to put my baby girl to bed, she seemed less than interested. At first I sang to her, but when my throat dried up I had to take a break. Then I rocked her, but my arms couldn’t last forever. Finally I begged, cried, and pleaded, but nothing worked. It was almost as if she was possessed, some external being had given her supernatural powers allowing her to stay awake and energetic forever.. When I was at my wits end she had begun to climb the walls, build forts, and throw her toys. Now I am not a superstitious person, but I know my daughter, she had to be possessed there was no other explanation. Left with no other choice, I called in the big guns.

The priest continued with his ritual, and my daughter, now restless having stayed still for almost two minutes, began to squirm. "Hold her," yelled the priest, as he continued to yell in Latin. I could see that he was sweating from the effort and I to felt the heat.

My daughter started screaming as she shook her head from side to side vigorously, " no, no, no!"

"Out!" yelled the priest. 

For a moment the room was silent and I loosened my grip worried for my daughter’s wrists. "No!!!" yelled my daughter as she rolled out from under my grasp. 

"Stop her!" yelled the priest as he lunged to grab her. 

"No!" yelled my daughter as she hit the priest in the face with her tiny fists. 

Caught by surprise, the priest tumbled backwards. Regaining his balance he stood and held his bible over his head, "By the power of Christ I compel thee!" He yelled as my child reached the floor. 

My child stopped and stared at the priest, "Again!" she yelled. The priest stared in disbelief. "Again!" she yelled, this time even more demanding her voice deepening menacingly. Still in shock the priest did not move. My child seemingly aggravated pushed the priest, who apparently was suffering from some form of vertigo because he fell over smashing his head against the wall. Giggling in delight, she ran out the room, yelling "da da da da, ziggy ziggy ziggy!"

"She's speaking in tongues," managed the priest as he pulled himself up. "Let's get serious," the priest muttered as he whipped out a wooden cross and chased after my baby.

As we entered the living room we noticed the baby standing still and pointing. Slowly the priest approached her. "Cat, cat, cat," yelled my daughter. Looking up, he saw the cat leap through the air. He managed to cover his face as the cat knocked him down. Once more the priest fell like a ton of bricks landing on his back. The cat licked his hands until he managed to throw her off. Enraged, he scrambled for my daughter and held her down. "Cat!!!" she yelled. 

Holding the wooden cross high he began to yell in Latin. As he brought the cross down on my daughter's forehead the front door opened. 

"What the hell is going on here?!" My wife stood in the doorway with a look of utter shock on her face. Both I and the priest froze as she walked over to us. 

My daughter wriggled out of the priest's grasp and stood up, "Ema!" she yelled as she ran to her mother. 

The priest sat there shaking his head in disbelief. "I have never seen such a strong demon. She truly is evil.” He made the sign of the cross, as if somehow that would help him.

"Do not talk that way about my daughter!" yelled my wife as she picked up my daughter and stormed off to the bedroom.

I helped the priest to his feet. "Don't worry he said, I know a man who can help you. I will be in touch.” With that the priest took his leave, as quickly as he could.

Not two minutes had passed when my wife returned. "Now," she began "you had better have a good explanation for this."

"Well she would not go to..."I trailed off."Where is she?"

"Sleeping."

"Wait, how did you?"

"She was really tired," she said somewhat exasperated. "Now explain to me why there is a priest in my house."