Ten Tips For Being A Good Father

1. Always have Whiskey on you, just in case the baby starts teething

2. Always have a picture of your baby, in case you lose him/her you have a picture to make sure you found the right one, or at least one you can pass off to as your own to the wife

3. Always have another set of clothes, incase you need to pass off another baby as your own having him/her wear the same clothes is always a good idea

4. Always have a car seat in your car, if you get stopped for speeding explain to the officer that you left your baby somewhere by accident.


5. Always have extra food for the baby, not every day is mardi gras, if it is stock up on beads just in case

6. Always give your baby a cell phone, if you lose him/her you can call them and follow the ringtone

Every Parents Nightmare

This morning I endured the horror that I would wish only upon my greatest of enemies. My child, a beautiful 8 month old girl was playing on the carpet with her toys in the living room. I was in the adjacent room washing dishes from the night before. The kitchen is open and my child is in full view. Making faces at her as I do the dishes is part of our daily routine.

I looked away for a moment, it was only a moment, but when I turned my head she was gone. At first it did not even register, how could she be gone. She does not crawl yet and certainly could not go anywhere. Quickly, I ran to the bedroom, maybe the wife had taken her. As I opened the door I found my wife sound asleep as I had left her. It's best not to wake her, I had decided, I can find one baby who cannot really go anywhere.

Running back to the living room I began frantically searching for the baby. A nagging feeling kept tugging in my brain but I pushed it aside, I had to find my baby girl.

"Oryan?" I whispered as I searched for my baby while I tried not to wake my wife. If she found out that I lost the baby she would kill me. Pillows flew off the couch as rationality deserted me and I began to search for her everywhere. In my head I could hear her giggling. "Where are you Oryan?"

The balcony door was open and I exited there was no sign of her anywhere. My mind began to race. Is it possible that someone climbed on to the roof, climbed into our apartment and kidnapped her when i was not looking? Who would do that? Should I call the police?

I shook my head, that is ridiculous, "Oryan?" she has to be somewhere.Again i can hear her giggling in my head. Was that it my head, is she here somewhere and I missed her. "Oryan, where are you?" Behind me I heard a rustling. Spinning around I found my wife staring at me while still rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"What the hell did you do here?" she asked implying the now messy room.

Breathing deeply, I managed, "I can't find Oryan."

"You're kidding right?"

"No."

"She is right behind you!"

Slowly, I turned to find my girl sitting with the cutest smile on her face giggling, "Peekaboo!" she yelled.

She then disappeared again. "Where did she go," I yelled. "Oryan?"

My wife rolled her eyes, "I am going back to bed.

"But I can't find her again!"

"Peakaboo!"

Suit Up!

Israel is a different society than America and is defined in many different ways. One which way is the dress code in an office. Normally, there is none unless you work face to face with people on a daily basis.

Even in my office, people dress rather casually polo shirts, cargo pants, jeans, we can wear what we want.

At the moment I work in telecommunications, in other words i sell a phone line over the phone. For this reason i have been coming into work wearing a t-shirt for the past six months.

Lately my manager has been on my case about the fact that I do not dress properly. In the off chance that someone will actually walk into the office I should be prepared.

So, today I was

The Pancakes That Made me Late

This morning I was late for work.

My boss, all upset gave me the evil eye and inquired what my reason for this unusual tardiness.

After sitting with me for a few minutes and sharing my scrumptious pancakes with her.

I regaled her with the tale of this mornings adventure.

Last Thursday my friends and I defeated the great evil that hell itself spat back out. I may now reveal that it was Gilgamesh. The ancient Mesopotamian king who searched half his life finding a cure for mortality. Doing so this half god damned himself to eternal suffering neither entering heaven nor hell. After so long he was no longer a man and took form of the great beast that he was famed to have been. While the three of us managed to destroy him and damn his soul, my friend was badly wounded in the battle.

Unfortunately, others, having felt the rise of Gilgamesh too began to revolt, and much of my time as been spent making sure that none of these creatures manage to break through their realm into ours.

This morning, I was informed that the Gongazolians had began an uprising and we had been called to quell the revolt. As you well know, Gongazolians are human-like creatures save for the slight green hue of their skin, their one eye, and the fact that they are two to three feet tall. Despite their obvious handicaps Gongazolians are one of the most vicious forms of creature known to man. In addition, they are shrew little monsters and light on their feet. Due to their lack of peripheral vision it is easy to sneak up on one of these beasts, but if he lays his eye on you beware. They me seem small in stature but their blows are as powerful, if not more, than a grown Dakling.