Deck the Halls (or Someone Else)

He's Tougher in Person
Being Jewish eliminates the option of Christmas. Not believing in Jesus is apparently connected to the holiday. Therefore, I found myself doing nothing come Christmas time. I was not decking the halls, nor decorating my tree. Instead, I am left to my own devices and I watch movies I have rented since all that is on the television is a Christmas special. My Christmas Eve is spent on the couch; at least I can have milk and cookies. Those Christians at least got that part right.

It must have been around two o'clock in the morning when I woke with a start. I had fallen asleep while watching Die Hard 3 and the TV screen was now blue telling me that there was no disc in the player. Rubbing my eyes I froze, as I heard footsteps from above. Someone was on the roof. Smiling to myself, I realized that it was ridiculous, anyway I had no chimney.

Getting up from the couch I turned around and found myself face to face with a large man with a long white beard. "Eliyahu?"

"Santa!" The man yelled as he pulled out an IPhone from his pocket.

"What are you doing?" I asked, disturbed and confused.

"Checking my list," said Santa.

"On an IPhone?"

"Hey, I was nice this year, Santa also deserves a present every once in awhile!"

"How can you be Santa? You don't exist!"