The Match of a Lifetime

A good father teaches his daughter how to defend herself. The amount of rapists and murders that exist in this world is terrifying. For that reason I am teaching my daughter how to defend herself against any threat.

Even at the age of 9 months old my daughter seems to have a knack for self-defense. Her punches are tough and her kick has the strength of a grown mule. When she gets really girly she can scratch out eyes like a cougar.

At that age, it is difficult to find ways to keep her training up to par, especially since finding a fair partner is difficult. She is the top of her height and weight class, and other babies tend to hide in fear of her.

I was left with no choice but to pit her against our cat Milky. Milky is slightly smaller than my baby but still has had her share of wins. I placed them on the bed together, this being the only safe arena. Here my daughter tumbles with the freedom of a drunk astronaut.

The match started slowly since neither truly understood what was happening. After the initial staring contest ended my daughter flung herself forward and managed to grab the cat by the tail. Screaming the cat tried to run away, but my daughter had the cat in her death grip.

Do Not Wanna Go To Work Today!

Today I did not want to go to work and so I sent a quick e-mail to my bosses explaining my absence:

After every great victory there is a glorious feast with flowing libations, wenches, and endless delights to sooth the soul. These feasts often extend into the late evening hours mayhaps, even 'til the morn.

Thus, it happened at such a venue. I believe the mutton, which supple and succulent as it was, may have been tampered with. While many say it is naught but tainted meat, I knew better.

This was how I found myself traveling through the Valley of Eternal Midnight in the dawn hours.

Poison is not to be trifled with, and believing that this indeed was my ailment I made haste for the witch in Marshes of Death.

Throughout the journey my illness crept through my body and strong though I am my strength could not hold my dinner in it's place. Pain, which I prefer not to describe in front of women racked my body as I stumbled through the marshes.

My skin had now an ashen hew as I found myself collapse at the entrance to the witches hut. Delirious as I was I was careful not to stare at the hag the picked me up as if I were a child's plaything and brought in to her abode.

Stricken of my facilities i was forced to lay there helpless as the witch performed her magics on me. Horrified, I watched as she made her potions of unimaginable creatures and fluids all the while chanting to herself. My mind was a haze and so I could not tell if her murmurs were that of a spell or of her own madness.